Tag Archives: Twitter

The Twits in Spring

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I am not eating refined sugar for a while. The reasons are mostly to do with the fact that we eat a lot of rubbish, and apparently I’m the sort of person who requires a total YOU MAY NOT EAT THIS EVER kind of ban in order to make anything stick. I have an intense and somewhat emotional relationship with hot chocolate, so it’s pretty boring already. I don’t know how vegans manage. If I couldn’t eat cheese I’d just pack it all in now and survive on gruel.

I’m also considering doing some kind of unplugged regime, because I feel all itchy when my phone’s not in my hand, which is weird. But one thing at a time, eh? If I’m having to eat snap peas instead of biscuits, at least I get to keep Twitter.

Because, Twitter! I just had a browse through my last four months, online, to distract myself from the sadness of herbal tea. Herbal tea is made from the mournful tears of abandoned fruit, did you know? But Twitter is made from the dewdrops on the cheeks of angels. Because of Twitter, I came across and loved the following:

a Caitlin Moran interview with Benedict Cumberbatch that made my life;

a Martin Luther King article that left me on the floor;

a last letter from a miner trapped underground that made me cry out all the water in my shrivelled body;

a brilliant compilation of the five best punctuation marks in literature (be still my heart);

a comprehensive trashing of the paleo diet;

a summary of WW1 as a bar fight (very useful, this);

a series of articles about monks inventing art that have made me weep tears of laughter and snort cheesecake out of my nose (medieval art, renaissance art, Byzantine art) (oh, cheesecake!);

a lovely, exactly right alternative epilogue to Harry Potter;

and, after watching Saving Mr Banks, this fabulous article about the creator of Mary Poppins and her decidedly odd life.

And here’s a potted summary of January to April. The usual warning: poo.

7 Jan

Regretting taking Ed to the weighing clinic a few hours after his brother gave him a ‘fond’ bite on the leg. [pagingsocialservices]

In case you needed more eau de Tuesday, 15mins ago I said ‘we’ll go to the library in a sec – just need to get this sick out of the Hoover’.

13 Jan

2YO: What are these?
@mrjeffcoat: They’re my cycling gloves, Henry.
2YO: *sigh* Use real words please, Daddy.

15 Jan

We’ve now watched Tangled so much that this is what happens to me at the end:

Eugene: Rapunzel, you were my new dream.
Rapunzel: *sob* and you were mine.
Me: *UNCONTROLLABLE SOBBING*

17 Jan

Shopping list with a cold:
-bread
-milk
-yoghu—GIANT POT NOODLE
-INGREDIENTS FOR CHOCOLATE PUDDING
-DRUUUUGS

4 Feb

I tell ye what, having the How to Train Your Dragon theme stuck in your head makes going to the loo TERRIBLY dramatic.

This is the noblest wee I have ever had.

5 Feb

Me: ‘There’s something round your mouth. Have you been eating anything?’
Hen: ‘I eating nothing’
Me: ‘oh, ok’
Hen: ‘except clockolet’

16 Feb

Just saw someone on Twitter write ‘voilà’ as ‘whalla’, and I think something inside me has died.

23 Feb

Fell down stairs carrying both boys this morning. Felt like Aragorn leaping to safety in mines of Moria, hobbit under each arm #flyyoufools

24 Feb

Basically, come into our house with the assumption that every cushion is artfully positioned over a sick stain #howdiditcometothis

4 Mar

Nothing makes you look so insane as getting faint wafts of poo from somewhere so furiously sniffing every item in the house. #WHEREISIT

6 Mar

Toddler just imitated the braying laugh of a check-out assistant next to us, so you’ll excuse me for trying to bury myself under the floor.

6 Mar

[at end of long discussion about biting]
Me: look, you can put your mouth on people if you want, but it has to be CLOSED.
#weirdmotherhood

10 Mar

Baby refusing naps. Come in 15 minutes later to find he’s completely dismantled his bottle and is no longer wearing trousers. Career in MI5?

I also can’t find the trousers.

11 Mar

From the bedroom, Teddy’s making the noise I have come to read as ‘I am having all the breath squashed out of my body bit by bit’. #brothers

12 Mar

Never ask a mother what she’s doing between 5-6pm, because the answer will always be ‘googling local orphanages’.

24 Mar

Boys haven’t slept simultaneously in weeks. Today they did, & I was like ‘yess, work!’ and body was like ‘um..sucka I am pulling that plug’.

(just woke up. No work done. Major bedhead.)

25 Mar

2YO: Try it, try it!
Me: That’s dried yoghurt from your chin. I’ll pass.
2YO: Shall I put it on your chin?
Me: Still no.

2 Apr

Tim: Mark Wahlburg is in trouble.His leg bone is sticking out.
Me: A tight spot. Poor Mark.
T: it’s ok, he pushed it back in.
#narratedfilms

10 Apr

Look, I’m not going to lie. He calls it ‘Willy the Poo’, he can’t say ‘Winnie’, I laugh every time, I am juvenile.

21 Apr

Just ate the most disgusting Burger King burger. Had to eat the raw onion (urgh) just to make sure my mouth still had feelings.

Yes, that about sums it up.

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Hey, if you catch this in the next couple of hours: the MAD Blog Awards voting closes at midnight today! If you haven’t yet and you wouldn’t mind, I’d be jolly grateful if you’d vote for us in the Best Baby Blog category.

Click here! Thank you!

The Twits

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We interrupt this radio silence to announce that it is only ONE WEEK till we wrestle two very small children across the Atlantic for Christmas, and hurrah, not even one of us is now being sick. I have hopes that this means more ideas for blog posts in the near future. Because today I cleaned out a toilet with washing machine detergent (we’d run out of bleach), and this does not get the creative juices flowing, in case you were wondering.

I am back on Twitter, though. Heaven bless Twitter. I fling disgusting baby fluid stories and cute toddler phrases out like confetti, on Twitter. It doesn’t matter. Twitter loves everything you throw at it. Twitter is the reason I discovered this great post about gender roles in The Hunger Games, and this article about why you’re not dead yet, and this one about why you can’t have it all but you can have cake, and most of all this one about how the hashtag is ruining the English language. I went cold turkey on the hashtag after reading that in September, and keep it on standby for whenever I have a relapse. Giving up the hashtag brought me out in cold sweats.

Stand by for some tweets. Some of them have hashtags, because I am not perfect, ok?

2 August

Look, I know moths say they are peace-loving but I know the truth. That one was just a scout.

Did I tell you the time I trapped one in a toilet and it survived three flushes? PS David Attenborough, if you read this, I’m sorry.

#notsorry

7 August

Just finished #HarryPotter and the Deathly Hallows, and am feeling all the feelings it is possible to feel.

You know, heartbreak. Love. Pride. Revulsion at Voldemort’s confetti head. Hilarity at Ron’s side parting in the epilogue. It’s all going on.

11 August

Wearing sky high heels today to cancel out that flying projectile poop moment this morning. Motherhood mathematics.

13 August

‘No, Henry, that’s not Jesus. It’s Katharine of Aragon.’ Just in case you thought I was raising a history nerd. #mistakenidentity

22 August

No one loves Craig David like Heart Radio. Not even Craig’s mum. #metthisgirlonmonday #cantsingtherestwithoutblushing

Also, whoever called up to request Mambo No. 5 needs to think long and hard about their life choices.

28 September

@mrjeffcoat: ‘Put it in sixth’
Me: ‘I’m afraid of sixth’
@mrjeffcoat: ‘Why?!’
Me:’It’s not normal. It’s like a rogue gear’ #talesfromtheBMW

Me: ‘Look at your car’s angry face in that reflection. Does it make you happy?’
@mrjeffcoat: ‘Yes. It has intense eyebrows’ #talesfromtheBMW

4 October

I’m sorry, but this is the creepiest damn thing I ever saw in a children’s book. #books #loveyouforever

love you forever

6 October

Heard a rumour that if a MoTab song has fewer than three key changes, they all just slam the music down and walk out. #ldsconf

16 October

H asleep on my lap in a towel. Do I wake him up to put a nappy on and end this beautiful miracle, or let him sleep and pee?

‘Let Him Sleep and Pee’ definitely going on autobiography title shortlist.

17 October

P Diddy made me cry tonight is how you can tell I’ve just given up breastfeeding. #thosehormonesaintmessing

25 October

Grim modern tale of middle-aged, inefficient postie manoeuvred into courier position and hopelessly micromanaged by younger boss. [Postman Pat]

WHY IS HE EVEN DELIVERING FRUIT BATS. This is a job for trained zoologist personnel. #thetragedyofpostmanpat

31 October

Whoever taught my son to say ‘I DON’T LIKE IT’ at 150 decibels (*cough* Charlie & Lola), may I offer you my heartiest kick to the face.

5 November

Found, on my side of the bed: two trucks and a poop stain. #toddlers

*adds Two Trucks And A Poop Stain to autobiography title shortlist*

17 November

Old Man at Church: Who was that, you know, she wrote things. With the characters? Agatha Christie? No.
@mrjeffcoat: Enid Blyton?
OMaC: Yes!

..He then followed this by turning to me and saying ‘…Your hair’s like that’. #complimentquestionmark

21 November

I thought Topshop might not be weird anymore, until I went in and there was a sparkly see-through boiler suit.

22 November

Just been ordered around for an hour by shouty Dora the Explorer. Feel like a POW survivor.

SAY BACKPACK, she yelled, face contorted. SAY BACKPACK! LOUDER! SAY IT! Alright, tiny psycho. Take some Valium and cool off a bit.

25 November

John Hurt can do anything. He could run a country with Billie Piper, huffing and rolling his eyes, and I would apply for a passport. #DayoftheDoctor

27 November

I’m sure the question of What Makes You a Boy or Girl will go to deep places one day. For now, my toddler and I have the tangibles covered.

Unfortunately, he wants to discuss them in the supermarket.
#neversaywillyinTesco #justtrustme

And now, as it’s been so long since I wrote something worth reading that it’s actually laughable, I thought I’d top it off with a poll.

In short, again.

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Hey, this just in: Henry has the best cheese face of all time.

‘I feel like I will never have a normal life, ever again’, I tweeted this evening. ‘THIS MEANS DOUGHNUTS’. I was tired and fretting about feeding and, to be honest with you, a little bit upset about Richard III. And when you want to write something dramatic and negative, dear friends, it is always, always best to put it on Twitter. Send it out into the gentle cosmic embrace of the Twitterverse and you only have the potential of annoying a handful of people* instead of several hundred (cough-Facebook-drama-cough).

*if you are not famous. I am not, it’s cool.

Twitter always comes through for me in these situations. Because when I say ‘normal life’, I mean the sort of life where I might conceivably sit outside a restaurant in warm air, laughing all gaily and tossing my hair back, you know. I looked back at the last few months of tweets and realised that this is no more inaccessible than it was before. It’s pretty inaccessible. But not impossible. Oddly, this was a comfort.

Also, the mystery of why many, many pounds of my pregnancy weight have not melted away by themselves like wisps in the wind is solved. There’s a lot of food-talk here. A LOT.

9 Mar

I just told my toddler that brushing his teeth is part of the rich tapestry of life. Need better excuses.

13 Mar

‘5 fast foods you can enjoy in pregnancy’, said the article. I got all excited. #1 was fruit. #2 was raisins. I stopped reading.

27 Mar

Broke a necklace 5hrs ago. Just undressed and found 28, yes TWENTY-EIGHT beads on my person. Geez, pregnancy. #streamlined #likeafish

2 Apr

Unnecessarily High-Brow Award for today goes to my iPhone, which just autocorrected ‘of’ to ‘oxymoron’. As you do.

4 Apr

Watching French-dubbed MacGyver. Even translation cannot diminish the holy power of that mullet.

8 Apr

Controlled crying pt 2. Put yo hands in the air if you’re drinking undiluted grenadine sirop straight from the bottle. Holla.

19 Apr

It’s really quite tricky to get peanut butter and jam on the same spoon without cross contamination in the jars. Luckily I’m a hard worker.

29 Apr

@mrjeffcoat started using Instagram. So proud. I’ll save my celebratory balloons for when he first grams his lunch, or a sunset.

…extra points if the lunch is vegan/organic/on a gingham tablecloth/accompanied only by the caption ‘Lunch’ #reasonsIloveInstagram

30 Apr

Can’t I attend playgroup without being interrogated about H’s special skills? Oh, your kid counts to seven, does he? He can say pig, CAN HE?

Hey, guess what, Henry’s training to be a ninja. It’s a secret but you forced it out of me. You win on the saying pig thing though, congrats.

2 May

Me: he seems excited. Is he talking to you?
@mrjeffcoat: no, he’s singing to a glue stick.
#toddlersareweird

12 May

Watching David Attenborough narrate slug-mating to inappropriately emotional music. It’s a ‘strange balletic relationship’. Feel indecent.

Me: Is this WHOLE show about bug sex?
@mrjeffcoat: I’ll skip it on ten minutes.
Mr Attenborough: ‘the male extends his rod…’
Me: NO NO NO

16 May

you are not hungry you are thirsty you are not hungry you are thirsty no not for coke for water yes water no honestly <– my brain on 11am

18 May

Some days I miss James Blunt’s first album like a knife blade in my heart. Yeah, I don’t know. [PMS]

Of course seven-month-pregnant women can have PMS. Haven’t you met one?

20 May

Henry is crying because, I think, it’s naughty to draw on cupboards (I didn’t bring it up; he did.)
Or possibly grapes. Just because grapes.

21 May

Tuesday Tuesday/
So good to me/
Tuesday Tuesday/
It was when my kid used a lamp as a fireman’s pole and crashed it into his face!
oh wait.

In short, I am eating a pop tart. Or twelve.

31 May

Hen can say ‘golly’. Stage one of Raise an Enid Blyton Child: complete. Now for condensed milk and smugglers.

I will, of course, be omitting the casual racism.

12 Jun

Documentary just started with ‘imagine everything that ever happened’. Cripes, it’s only twenty to ten. Give me a min.

13 Jun

I won’t tell you what drinking liquid Gaviscon is like. Oh, ok, I will: it’s like drinking minty spit.

15 Jun

Shopping app just asked whether I wanted to post my grocery list to Twitter. Um, no. My apples aren’t that interesting. #notaeuphemism

21 Jun

Ok, that’s it. Who do I pay to invent a bed with a hole in it, so I can sleep on my front? GRAVITY SAYS YES. #pregnancy #8monthssucks

You know that David Bowie dancing scene in A Knight’s Tale? You know. With Heath Ledger’s hair. Hotter than the sun, I mean it.

19 Jul

I’d forgotten that it’s possible to be this tired without being dead. UNLESS I AM? Bruce Willis, show yourself.

Wait, wait, it wouldn’t still be this hot if I were dead. Cancel the Bruce.

I am coming for you, outside-restaurant-with-hair-tossing. Gimme a few weeks. I am coming.

Here’s everything you need to know about today. In ten words.

This is a post about Twitter. Since all my blog stuff gets pushed to Twitter automatically, will posting a post about Twitter on Twitter actually make the universe implode? Whatevs: my throat glands are the size of horse dung and I can’t feel my face. If this is the last thing you read, then at least you can be sure it’s a top-quality slice of Pulitzer prize-winning insight. 

Now excuse me, I need to go gargle some salt. 

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I used to hate Twitter.

Like, really, really hate it. My face did this involuntary sneering thing whenever someone mentioned it. ‘Oh, the height of self-involvement’, I thought, grandly. ‘Thinking that someone is interested in what you had for lunch’. I forgot we already had something like that called the Facebook status box, which wasn’t Twitter’s fault. Also that, quite a lot of the time, I enjoy talking about lunch.

I also enjoy the challenge of summing up a day in 140 characters or fewer. It’s like one of those line-a-day journals I keep thinking I’ll buy, and never do. Sometimes I have to remove spaces between words to make them all fit, which makes me sad inside, but mostly I enjoy the excuse for a thesaurus. I just don’t get enough quality time with a good thesaurus, these days. Thanks for the memories, T-dawg.

The other week I posted my 1000th tweet. It was an unflattering up-the-nose self-portrait from Instagram, if you must know. But out of curiosity I started looking back at my previous updates. And they pretty much told me all I needed to know about the day I posted them. I mention this just in passing, but there are twenty tweets here, and I talk about food in nine of them. I really do enjoy talking about lunch. 

10 Sept

Nothing sadder than watching the Domino’s man pull into the drive…and deliver next door. Thought he was following a prompting.

24 Sept

Just got 3/4 through making lunch before I looked at the time. 11am. OH MONDAY YOU MOCK ME WITH YOUR ENDLESSNESS. #cakequestionmark

18 Oct

I am going to write a song about hipster lifestyle bloggers, called ‘She Keeps Her Ketchup in a Mason Jar’. Suggestions welcome for 2nd line.

19 Oct

Sometimes I imagine Joseph Fiennes as inky-fingered Shakespeare actually blowing up the sun with his hotness. Could happen.

21 Oct

Me: Soo, I need to apologise. Tim: For what? Me: When I woke up from that nap, I’d drooled on your head. This is marriage, people. #romance

30 Oct

‘A half-read book is a half-finished love affair’. David Mitchell

5 Nov

Happiness is:waking up and not feeling like death for 1st time in days; realising you have 5 lost lbs to put on and the world is your pizza.

14 Nov

Had a dream that I hung out with some of my favourite bloggers. And I was painfully shy, and they thought I was boring. #humilitydreams

30 Nov

Trying to decide how to hyphenate ‘hardcore country music’. Didn’t know country music came in core strengths. #editorproblems

Gosh. Hardcore country really is hardcore #cocaineandawhore

30 Dec

Have a new tuning app open for my Christmas ukelele. @mrjeffcoat is snoring in the key of G#, in case you were wondering.

15 Jan

Told Henry we were picking up @mrjeffcoat 10mins ago. Since then he’s been repeating ‘daddy, daddy’ in this crazed, omen-style whisper. #um

16 Jan

Whenever I eat a KFC I feel like a small number of my cells voluntarily give up their lives in shame. #andyethereIam

25 Jan

This is the only thing standing between me and that atrocity in the bath.

nooooo

29 Jan

Just paid a £5 library fine. I do and do not want to know how many doughnuts I could’ve bought with that.

30 Jan

1.Bite head off red lipstick. 2.Stand on it. 3.Go for very long walk on cream carpet.<-Henry’s Tuesday. #somemenjustwanttowatchtheworldburn

8 Feb

I am driving back from Tesco. Eating a pork pie. Realise it’s my third in four minutes. Then realise I am LIVING THE LIFE. #umpregnancy?

9 Feb

Toddler saying mystery word over and over. Sounds very much like a swear. Um. Hope he doesn’t remember it in church tomorrow.

10 Feb

In case you wanted to try taking a contact lens out from an eye with no lens in it, let me save you the bother. Don’t. #shorttermmemoryfail

14 Feb

There are times you’ve been tidying this room for 10 frigging years,  and your toddler decides to love every surface with chocolate covered face.

Also pretty sure I ingested that chocolate egg so quickly I ate some of the foil. Ah, Thursday.

21 Feb

Brian Cox is telling me that the larger the animal, the less it has to eat to stay alive. Not true over here, Brian. I defy your physics.

I’m still upset about that lipstick. And now I want a pork pie.

Time for bed? Yes. 

Ch-ch-ch-changes

What a ground-breaking Monday this is turning out to be. Perhaps I only need say the word ‘poomaggeddon’, and it will be unnecessary to provide any more information on how I spent my morning. Or perhaps this will suffice:

Me: *nappychangenappychange* Oh. There’s the avocado.

Henry: *peealloverownface*

Me: Hahaha. Oh, brilliant. Chortles. You silly – NO NO NO DON’T LICK IT OFF.

After which he was inconsolable for an hour. Small wonder.

Please tell me your Monday has been more productive than this.

PS – twitteration has commenced here at the House of Jeffcoat. I got all excited about my first follower until I realised it was a spammer offering inappropriately personal services. A good start. Perhaps you’d like to fill the gap instead?

PPS – we – and when I say ‘we’, I mean in the ‘Timothy’ sense of the word – updated the photo banner. Since Henry appears to be sticking around. You like?

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