Wardrobe Malfunction (16 + 2)

Don't worry, I didn't pull a Janet Jackson (as I haven't even managed to outgrow a bra yet, the chances of anything at all slipping out are remote. Can someone remind me when my pregnancy curves are scheduled to arrive?). I'm now at a stage where nothing in my wardrobe really fits properly. Not all … Continue reading Wardrobe Malfunction (16 + 2)

Logistics (15 +3)

Dear People Who Are Mothers: some advice, please. I was sitting in Relief Society today and suddenly wondered what you do when you're sat at church with your baby, your other half in another lesson or otherwise Not There, and you need the loo. Do you hand the baby over to a random pew neighbour? … Continue reading Logistics (15 +3)

Things I Have Unnecessarily Cried At This Week (15 + 2)

1) 'A Little Fall of Rain', from the Les Miserables soundtrack (this is a song I usually skip because of unwonted cheesiness). 2) Reciting a poem by e.e. cummings to myself. 3) Tim's somewhat understandable failure to be utterly thrilled at the prospect of antenatal classes. 4) Singing 'Go the Distance' from Hercules in the … Continue reading Things I Have Unnecessarily Cried At This Week (15 + 2)

Missing Talents (14 + 6)

Dear Universe: WHY am I not one of those people who is naturally good at giving spontaneous urine samples? I went to the doctor for a check-up today. Not that seeing your doctor at almost-fifteen weeks is part of the maternity schedule, I just had a long list of minor pregnancy-related ailments that needed seeing … Continue reading Missing Talents (14 + 6)

Here is what every pregnant lady needs… (13 + 6)

...A friend who can supply model uteruses (uteri?) for your amusement and edification. Dear Sue, I wish I had a job that meant I could carry around boxes labelled 'Rachel Jeffcoat. Uterus Set'. I love you. The end. I also include a photo of my evening bump, as proof that it exists. When I wake … Continue reading Here is what every pregnant lady needs… (13 + 6)

Foodalicious (13 + 5)

Hark: is that the pitter-patter of normal eating habits coming towards me? I wouldn't say the sickness has gone - the list of Banned Lunchbox Items continues to grow, and my gag reflex is as huffy as ever. Tim brought me home a cheer-up chicken nuggets meal from McDonalds the other evening - I thought … Continue reading Foodalicious (13 + 5)

Gosh. (12 + 5)

Hello, little person!     Freight I am the ship in which you sail, little dancing bones, your passage between the dream and the waking dream, your sieve, your pea-green boat. I’ll pay whatever toll your ferry needs. And you, whose history’s already charted in a rope of cells, be tender to those other unnamed … Continue reading Gosh. (12 + 5)

Fatty (12 weeks)

Hooray for milestones! TJ is -6 months today, and while I don’t feel much different from yesterday, I do feel like we’ve achieved something, he/she and I. He has reached the impressive size of a plum and grown some phalanges, and I’ve got through another month at work and become a world-class expert at sucking … Continue reading Fatty (12 weeks)

In Short (11 + 5)

I don’t want to feel sick anymore I don’t want to feel sick anymore I don’t I don’t I don’t I don’t. The end.

Frog Livers (10 + 1)

What follows is a wondering about apricots. I have recently made a switch from dried bananas to dried apricots in the difficult hour where breakfast has been digested but it's too early for rice cakes (gag). Banana chips are mostly tasteless, always come in shapes too awkward for a human mouth, and are so hard … Continue reading Frog Livers (10 + 1)