I sound stupid, don’t I? I do, I sound stupid. I’m sorry. I’m just tired. Do I sound tired? Have I forgotten how to conduct a human conversation?
What’s an angled bob, and why are you so keen for me to have one? Or do I have one already? I’m not keeping up.
When I ask how long you’ve been a hairdresser, it’s not because I think you’re too young or incompetent or something. This is just what my small talk looks like.
When you paint my hair with the dye, why do you not paint the whole strand? What’s up with that last inch? Is that the bit you’re going to cut off?
I really like you, but could we not talk for a bit? It’s not you; you’re lovely. This is just the first three-hour block where no one has needed me to do anything for many months, and I don’t want to make noises with my mouth.
Do you come home, like, COVERED in hair? Like you’ve been wrestling with a giant dog six days a week?
If I asked you for another biscuit, would you bring me one without judgement or tell the other hairdressers about the greedy so-and-so in chair #3?
Are there people who can afford a cut and colour every EIGHT WEEKS? Are there? Because if I spent 100 quid on my hair every two months, you’d be dyeing my hair with our bread and milk and electricity. So I’m nodding and vaguely agreeing right now, but I’ll be back in six months. As per.
I don’t want you to feel bad about my excruciating-pain tangled-hair face. My hair tangles a lot. Brush harder, I can take it.
So, let’s delve into this toner business. Do I really need it, or are you upselling me? What the ruddy heck is a creamy blonde? Is this something I want, and if so why? Can hair have base notes? Because I thought that was wine?
When I went to the loo after the hair wash, and one of the straps on my gown got sort of caught inside my trousers afterwards, and when you took it off at the end it whipped out of my waistband and I jumped and said ‘ooh!’…was that as weird for you as it was for me? PS, it was only inside my trousers, not my pants. Is that better?
I know my extreme Englishness makes it sound like I’m putting on a brave face when I tell you I like it. But I do like it. Honest.
Can I have another biscuit before I go?