Every full-time parent of small children needs a place to vent.
Vaguely, you remember a time when you worried about deadlines and MOTs and when to fit in the Tesco shop.
You didn’t very often worry about faeces. Or facial injuries. Or how to get through the witching hour without throwing your children down a mine.
Poor Tim is my venting place. And since he’s busy at work, with those deadlines and MOTs I remember, he gets pelted with text messages on the hour. My last six months looked something like this *weeps forever*:
Henry, while bouncing on bed – ‘ladies and gent-en-den, welcome to bounce day!’
Listen, I know you’ve been looking for ways to spruce up our bedroom carpet, and I’ve got it: khaki coloured diarrhoea with raisins! Nailed it.
Henry cried a bit when you left. Just now I heard him sing to himself, all brokenly,
‘This old man/he played one/
He played knick-knack on my TEARS’
I am dying laughing and also have all the feels.
NO to scrambled eggs.
NO to holding my own tube yoghurt.
NO to your vile fruit pot.
NO to your face.
I will accept your suspicious ‘trail mix’ but only the chocolate chips.
Hen, from nowhere: ‘A naked man with long arms put a rope around his neck’
H: ‘He put a rope around his neck and couldn’t breathe’ [mimes suffocating]
No more Horrible Histories for this boy, mm-k?
Look on these works ye mighty, and despair.
Accidentally fell asleep while sorting laundry and had a brilliant nap. Hen downstairs, did the same. Just found him with pants round his ankles (he hadn’t bothered to pull them up after his wee), lying on the floor, using the iPad as a very uncomfy pillow.
[Note: Tim’s response to this was ‘#penisstylus’, which made me laugh so hard I snorted my cheesecake.]
Meanwhile Teds is giving himself a jacket potato body scrub *cries*
Teddy vs slide (horror face).
‘RAISINS YES COLD COMPRESS NO’.
Had a whole dream last night about the advisability of buying a tartan cushion for the living room. Exciting life, you are mine indeed.
‘MUMMY, TEDDY’S GOT MY HAIRY BALL’.
Leaving that one alone. Well. Alone.
A Short Scene From Our Evening:
An hour ago I was changing Teddy’s dirty nappy – he is still producing some abominations. Suddenly Hen dashes past me yelling ‘I NEED A POO, QUICK QUICK!’
I spot the potty just behind me and fling it out into the corridor for him, he starts pulling his shorts down, I glance over…and an entire turd is so close to falling off it’s dangling by a thread. He’s not managed to sit down yet.
So I THROW myself across and manage to move the potty two inches to the left – and catch it, yesss! Alas, not the after-poo, which hits the carpet. So I quickly get wipes to clear everything up, eventually turn back – and find Teddy waving his dirty nappy around like the Union Jack.
And in all this flinging, I pulled a stomach muscle.
[Tim]: Ah, the satisfaction of knowing that your child has progressed in intelligence to the level of a baboon.
We just came back in from a walk, wet and muddy. Did the usual strip-down and sent Henry upstairs to find pyjama bottoms. He came down wearing some.
‘Oh well done, you did that fantastically’.
‘Yes mummy. Now let’s get the kettle on and have some chocolate’.
‘You must not say oi! I dust eating the chocolate!’
Today Hen has done:
1 wee in our front garden
2 wees in the toilet/potty
1 wee mostly in pants
1 wee on his bedroom floor
1 poo in the woods
1 poo on the bathroom floor.
A great day.
There is an Indian fast food place down by Riverside advertising ‘curry in a naan’, like to take away. WHAT. This has the potential to change my whole life for the better.
The naan is bowl shaped, like a taco. My mind is blown.
Also, much more disgustingly, Pizza Hut now do alcoholic milkshakes – ‘hard shakes from hard cows’. This emoji represents me vomiting in my mouth.
1. Spoon up custard and peach.
3. Remove peach and put it in a separate container you have commandeered for the purpose.
Henry: ‘I am very freezing. It’s time to go in a nice warm café and sit down’ #middleclasschildren
[Tim]: Teddy has had a rough couple of hours.
If you ever think I look like I’m about to skin a cat when you get in from work, that’s why.
Be right back, just running towards that curry-in-a-naan with my arms and mouth wide open, because it’s 10am, we had breakfast four hours ago, and I CAN’T EVEN.