Holy cow

There are some things in life I feel very strongly about, and lactose is one of them. Oh yes, me and cow worship. It’s special. The feelings run deep. If I woke up one day suddenly allergic to dairy I would scweam and scweam until I were sick. I would rent my clothes and douse myself in double cream as an act of mourning. I would probably write poetry. It would be a terrible scene.

Sad, then, that after yet another mega cold bug last week I’m still having problems with my ear (I coughed my ear drum into oblivion the night before my birthday), and a milkless existence is pretty much the only way to fix it. I can’t hear very well, because my ear drum spends all day shouting WHUM WHUM WHUM into my face. Oh, you wanted to work this morning? WHUM. Time for sleep, is it? Get a load of this WHUM, suckah. It’s like being stuck permanently in a nightclub with Skrillex. My inner ears are generally huffy, so I’ve done this enough times to know that the doctor can’t prescribe anything, and the best thing I can do is drink gallons of water and stay away from dairy.

I came to this realisation yesterday. This is how well it’s gone so far.

Tuesday, 7pm

Me: I need to be dairy-free for a few days until my ear gets better. So you’d better finish my custard.

Tim: YES. I mean, sorry.

Me: I don’t feel too bad about it, because I already ate your Cadbury’s Creme Egg.


Me: What?

Tim: Are chocolate eggs dairy-free?

Me: Oh.

Tuesday, 10pm

Tim: Want a hot drink?

Me: Yes, please. But I’m not having dairy, remember.

Tim: Herbal tea, then?

Me: Wait, do hot chocolate sachets have milk in them?


Me: Oh, alright.

Wednesday, 9am

Me: I REALLY don’t want to work this morning.

Tim: Maybe go and get a drink first. But make it herbal tea.

Me: Fine.

Tim: I just remembered, I gave you a glass of milk this morning. Sorry, I forgot.

Me: I drank it. The temptation, it was too much.

Tim: Oh, and we used up the last little bit of whipped cream on the pancakes. Did you have some?


Tim: You know, I think if you were actually lactose-intolerant, you’d die.

I have not even had time yet for an existential struggle with butter, yoghurt or cheese. Or ICE CREAM. I think Skrillex and I might be in it for the long haul.

This is the sort of stuff I bake. Holy cow.

This is the sort of stuff I bake. No hope.

PS: you can read about the highs and lows of making the stuff in the photos above here (my old Cakery Bakery archives). You can find newer stuff by clicking on ‘Food, in Short’ above.

4 thoughts on “Holy cow

  1. Poor you! I totally feel for you. I love dairy products SO MUCH! I gave up all dairy for a full month to see if it would help with Lewis’s tummy troubles (it didn’t). Hardest thing I ever did!! When I started eating dairy again it really bothered my tummy. Now nearly three months later I still can’t eat yogurt without having a tummy ache. Noooooooo!!!! 🙁

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