So Here’s the Lowdown on this Pregnancy Lark (20 Weeks)

Ring the bells and bang the drums, because TJ and I have just reached the halfway mark! He is 20 weeks today, and, seemingly in celebration, has pushed out my stomach so far I keep banging into stuff with it. Party on.

Behind us are twenty weeks of gagging (me), major organ growing (him) and almost pathological rice cake-aversion (me). And ahead of us are twenty weeks of backache (me), putting on ten times his body weight (him, thankfully) and banging into stuff with my stomach (me, apparently). He can now taste what I’m eating in his amniotic fluid, hear voices – not in a creepy way – and kick so hard I’m back on the nightly hot water bottles.

(PS: to my little offspring: if you want more space to move around, MOVE HIGHER THAN MY BELLY BUTTON, please. It’s a bit cramped and hurty down there, with you stamping on my kidneys and pinging between my hipbones like a pinball. You don’t have to be the fruit of my loins in quite such a literal fashion. Just so you know.)

In the interest of recording for posterity, then (or for next time, as I’m sure I’ll have conveniently forgotten it all), here are some Things About Pregnancy You Never Knew Beforehand.

1. Morning sickness is not in the morning. Nor is it actual sickness, most of the time. Please rename it All-Day-Dry-Heaving-Into-Toilet-Bowls-And-Wishing-Ardently-For-Deathness for greater accuracy.

2. Early signs of pregnancy can include, but are not limited to, time-of-the-month stomach cramp, hating everyone in sight, an inexplicable loss of chocolate-enthusiasm, feeling like you would willingly trample your grandmother for a Pot Noodle.

3. Sandwiches are of the devil.

4. Gosh, I never had body hair there before.

5. Goodbye, personal dignity. Hello, bathroom floors, elderly-person ailments and urine sample catastrophes.  

And the biggest surprise:

6. This little thing you’re growing feels like a person long before he is one. I love it like my own self.  I love it like I never suspected I would. Barely 300g and covered in lard he may be, but he has a hand on my heart as well as a sharp foot on my bowel. So that explains the indigestion, at least.

7. Oh, you thought your arms were wobbly before?!

Go, twenty weeks, go!

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