Missing Talents (14 + 6)

Dear Universe: WHY am I not one of those people who is naturally good at giving spontaneous urine samples?

I went to the doctor for a check-up today. Not that seeing your doctor at almost-fifteen weeks is part of the maternity schedule, I just had a long list of minor pregnancy-related ailments that needed seeing to. (Seriously. If it’s (a) in a pregnancy manual, and (b) moderately to horrifically embarrassing, I’ve got it covered.)

I also had a couple of new paranoias to put down. I don’t know how this happens: one minute I’m chugging along as normal, perfectly happy and optimistic (especially now the sickness is better), and then suddenly I’m a panicky maniac. What if I’m eating something I shouldn’t? What if I’m sleeping in the wrong position? Last week I got into a lather about essential oils. I don’t even really know what they are, yet suddenly I’m all of a dither in case I’ve been accidentally rubbing myself with basil, like you’d mix up a spice jar with your deodorant and not notice you smelled like a pizza. This week it was hot water bottles, which I had glued to my stomach for the first two months of the year. ‘My mum said that you have to think of a baby as an egg’, said some driveller on a forum, ‘and what happens to an egg when you heat it up?’ Well, what indeed, driveller?! TJ, I thought – have I accidentally scrambled you?

Well, no, says my lovely doctor. People in hot countries don’t have little scrambled babies, do they? I can use hot water bottles as much as I like, which is a relief, because oh, my giddy aunt, my digestive system has a mind of its own at the minute. So I felt a pure and devoted love for the good doctor, until he asked me to go and make him a urine sample.

I wasn’t totally unprepared – I’d brought a bottle of water – but hadn’t really expected to need it. I’d been to the loo lots already that morning. And I only needed to cast my mind back to the terrible A&E visit in which I spent 35 long minutes trying to wee into a cup to remember that this isn’t my forte. I went, though. I drank the whole bottle. I jumped up and down in the cubicle. I sat on the loo and jiggled like a belly dancer. All to no avail: I managed to produce the teeniest, most pathetic drop you can imagine, and had to return sad and empty-handed. Luckily for both of us, he said my efforts were sufficient, though perhaps he was just being nice.

I walked through my front door fifteen minutes later, and needed to go so badly I dropped everything and ran for it. Sigh.

2 thoughts on “Missing Talents (14 + 6)

  1. I took more hot baths while I was pregnant than I think I have taken in the rest of my life put together. I, too, was warned by many an online forum that I was creating mutant alien babies with all of that cooking, but so far they look pretty human to me.

    So glad you are feeling a bit better!

  2. Really? Oh good – I actually do feel better about my hot water bottle addiction then. Not only are your babies unscrambled, they’re also the cutest babies on the planet, I’m pretty sure.

    Yes, still have some sicky moments, but mostly I’m loads better. I feel like a new person!

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