I want to be a single-tasker

This story starts in McDonald’s.

(You guys, nearly all my stories start in McDonald’s these days. McDonald’s is where Life Happens, and don’t you forget it.)

Henry sat swinging his legs in the high chair next to me. He requested the kite song to supplement his fish fingers. Who can argue with that partnership? I turned away from my conversation to look at him, and bellowed ‘Let’s GO FLY A KITE! Up TO THE HIGHEST HEIGHT!’ There was vibrato and everything. I like to do that song justice, because Dick van Dyke deserves it. Henry’s eyes widened, his mouth opened, and he looked at me like he’d never seen anything so brilliantly wonderful.

Of all the things about motherhood I adore, that look is in the top five. I get it when I turn away from what I’m doing, look him square in the face and hand over all my attention for a moment.

I don’t think I get it enough. Attention is a hard thing to give, all at once.

I am busy, of course, and about to get busier. I’ve always got a list of seven or eight things on the go, and mentally reorder and reprioritise as I do them. Multitasking is more comfortable for me than single-tasking. I can’t wash up without listening to the radio, I never read without stopping to flick through my phone, and talking to Henry is something I do while doing other things: the laundry, a batch of editing, driving the car, washing my hair in the bath.

Which makes me think there must be power in doing just one thing at once. Not all the time, and not for everything. But for people, yes. They want you to turn towards them, look them square in the face and give over all your attention for a moment. I suppose the fact that giving over attention is so very difficult makes it the best kind of gift to receive.

So I want to practice one-personing this week. Just for a few minutes a day – a phoneless moment on the sofa with Tim, a quarter of an hour eating ice lollies on the windowsill with Henry, a few minutes’ writing in the quiet with me.  Where I put everything else away and hand over all of me, all at once. Want to do it too? I think it’ll be something to see.

(Not you, though, washing-up. Not you.)

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Quiet living in a little space

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Did I tell you about our flat? I love our flat. It’s true that cream carpets get OLD with a baby and a muddy cyclist leaving their mark on the floor. But I ran home to a new husband here, and brought my baby back to this room. This house has seen the best of me, as well as everything else.

So I’m not trying to make it feel bad for being small. Even though it was definitely made for two people, and it’s about to house five. Chin up, little house, we love you anyway. And we’ve just worked MEGA hard to make the very most of this space for as long as we can.

The idea of my doing a home decoration post is the sort of thing that makes me belly laugh – hello, I have enough belly to go around everyone at the moment – so I feel like a bit of a dork, writing this. On the other hand, I’m sure we’re not the only ones trying to fit more into less without choking on the claustrophobia. Here’s what I’ve found helpful over the past couple of weeks. If you’ve hit on anything that worked in your little space, give me some pointers!

big fish, little fish, basket, box

I live with a wires man. Timothy trails wires like a weird AI version of Edward Scissorhands. He’s the chap to ask if you need an audio cable, a tiny screwdriver, seven kinds of battery or a phone that went out of circulation five years ago. Most of this seemed to be living on the bookcases.

(Kidding, husband! I am just affronted when things go on the bookcases that aren’t my books. That space is at a PREMIUM, DO NOT TOUCH IT.)

Timothy threw away everything he didn’t need, then we ravaged the basket section of IKEA. He now has baskets that are categorised with titles such as Audio and Video, Flash Drives and Storage, Misc and Useful Misc. He decided not to use a whole basket just for different types of glue, in the end, but it was a close thing. We ended up with an entirely clear cupboard – that we’ll desperately need for other things – and a serenely uncluttered bookcase, with a row of baskets on top that look rather nice. Now I can stroke Wolf Hall in peace, thank you very much.

Also, thanks to Tim’s parents, we just inherited this beeeeeaaaaautiful family chest belonging to a Jeffcoat of Yore. It now sits in our living room where the coffee table used to go, and you wouldn’t believe how much we’ve put inside it. I’m so excited about having a piece of family history in our house that’s a century old at least that I keep wanting to embrace it. Furniture that’s actually a giant box: now there’s something I can get behind. 

clear, and clear, and clear

This one was hard. We let go of knick-knacks, clothes we never wore, shoes that were too battered to be seen in public, and lots of old bits-and-bobs we’d been hanging on to for no reason. I like the philosophy of minimalism-with-prettiness: clear out as much as you can, then add little touches you really love. On top of the little bookcase in the corner – just to the left of the old Tube map I adore – I keep an old, glazed jug, a painting by Tim’s brother, and a Piet-Mondrian-patterned tissue box. They make me happy whenever I look at them.

ups and downs

Without much obvious floor space, we had to think creatively about what would go where. So we stacked, high and low. We lined cupboard walls with shelves and free corners with tall shelving units, and used yet more baskets to keep little things out of sight. Henry’s toys now live in two large boxes under his bed, which means we have a place to put toys away, instead of just having them out all the time.

We did the same when it came to beds: we were lucky enough to be given a brilliant high-rise contraption (again, a family hand-me-down), and bought a child’s bed to slot underneath it, to replace Henry’s cot. I cannot tell you how much I panicked about this. Henry, free to roam the house at night, ingesting interesting pills and climbing into dangerous places. Imagine the possibilities.

We’ve only had to chase him back inside three times a night, so far. Ahem. No, he’s doing really well. Making up a proper bed with a car-printed duvet for this tiny boy just about broke my heart, but he was so excited. After his naps I fling open the blinds, he stands up to survey the scene out of his window, and lets out a great, satisfied ‘ahhhhhh’.

King of the world. It was worth it just for that.

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PS: thanks to generous parents, we’ve been able to reuse a lot of family furniture, which has saved us a heck of a lot of money. Otherwise, though, we’d be all over Ebay like a rash. Go second-hand or go home.

PPS: Sadly, Henricus discovered yesterday that he could climb onto the high-rise, which happens to have a VERY bouncy mattress. For our next project, we’ll be covering everything in bubble wrap. 

Superboy and the new bed from Rachel Jeffcoat on Vimeo.

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Bits and pieces

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Some days I make cinnamon cereal and chopped bananas for lunch, and win all the nutrition awards going. Henry gets milk all down his top, then conducts deep and meaningful conversations in his vest with two toy cars in the armchair. When he naps, I nap. We spend half an hour longer than usual reading books under a blanket. I skim through Eat Your Peas because I hate it, but I do the glorious-but-overused London ABC properly for once, and we linger over Lion and Mouse because the illustrations are so beautiful I want to lick them or something. He says ‘book’ like he’s Scottish and I don’t know why, but it’s hilarious.

At some point I discover his peas have started growing, against all the odds. They must be immune to spade stabbing and drought.  Nice going, peas.

It’s 4pm before we leave the house. He’s miraculously well-behaved at the library, enough for me to find a book for myself I’ve been wanting for ages, though I wish he weren’t saying something over and over that sounds horribly like a b-word I’d rather he avoided. I think it’s supposed to be a train-track noise. Let’s hope.

We find the amazing, life-changing car trolley unattended at Tesco, and he beeps the horn ecstatically all the way to the check-out.

He empties the recycling bin while I make dinner – urgh – and finds a little postcard of Charles Dickens. He uses it as a songbook for the next fifteen minutes. I can only assume he was moved by the beard, because hello, wouldn’t you be?

At some point I realise we’re having a conversation. It’s about the ogre in Charlie and Lola, but a conversation it is. I know not every day can be a cereal-for-lunch day, but I like them rather a lot.

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Don’t drink the ketchup, darling

Two toddlers, one exceedingly pregnant woman and one hour in McDonald’s sounds a lot like this. 

Right, can we hold hands while we’re in the queue? Good. Really well done. Stay as still as you can.

Henry, Hollie doesn’t want to give you a piggy-back. Off, please. OFF.

No, that little girl doesn’t want to, either. Let her eat her lunch.

Have you dropped a chippy? No? Oh, the tub of ketchup. Yes, well avoided. Stay exactly like that while I get a napkin.

Don’t drink the ketchup, darling.

No, that’s not Daddy. That’s a lady.

Leave that boy’s neck alone, please.

What’s that? A poo? Don’t worry, you’ve got a nappy on. Alright, yes, don’t tell everyone.

Hen, any more fish fingers for you? No? Right, I’m putting them away.

What? You said you didn’t want any more fish fingers. They’re in the bin. Don’t go looking.

Pitchy? Pitchy? Oh, chippy. Yes, there are a few on the floor. NO NO NO don’t eat it…urgh.

No wait, no, could you hug me later? oh — now I have nacho cheese boob.

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Worth it. Totally worth it. 

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Sibs

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My little brother just got back from his mission, and it’s kind of made me feel better about life.

Because someone very wise said on our Facebook page recently (in response to one of my two-baby panic attacks): ‘one of the best gifts I ever gave my children was their siblings’. And then my brother came back, and I realised it was true. There is nothing like the relationship you have with someone who grew up in the same house. You become old, old versions of yourselves; you know the same stories, and the stories aren’t even very good, but they go back twenty years, and that’s enough.

One day last week he found a piece of music I played for a wedding, nearly a decade ago – I made him pretend to walk down the aisle while I practised; a role he embraced with worrying enthusiasm – and he sent it to me. I looked up the whole song, and emailed back ‘FORGOT ABOUT THAT CHORD JUST BEFORE THE CHORUS. FLIPPING HECK’.

It’s a tear-jerker of a diminished seventh. No one, no one at all in the world, would get it better than him. I’ve got stuff like that with all three of my siblings, and it never occurred to me to thank my mother for it, until now.

A few days later it was US Mother’s Day. I was so grateful to my lovely mama for the sheer guts-and-grit that got her through four babies, four toddlers, four sets of dance and music recitals, four teenagers and their stupid hair. Then I sat with Henry in the evening, watching The Prince of Egypt, his arm propped casually on his brother’s head. The first unwilling arm-rest of many, I assume.

I hope they’ve got a diminished seventh or two between them in twenty years’ time.

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Indoor gardening with a toddler: not for the faint of vacuum cleaner

It started with a spade. Happy Meal toys have gone seriously odd in the last twenty years, haven’t they?!

The spade came on a drizzly indoor day, with chips, as all spades should, and suddenly I was filled with an unstoppable desire to let Henry do some digging. We don’t have a garden, so we walked off to Tesco – during which I realised I’m now bump-compensating so much I walk with my butt stuck out further than Beyonce, slightly mortifying – and got some windowsill plants.

This is where I put in the disclaimer that I know absolutely nothing about gardening, and kill every plant I get. It is a gift. One day I’ll find a use for it. But we got a little bag of compost, a couple of red pepper plants and a packet of peapod seeds, then Beyonced our way home at a jog before it started raining in earnest. I do not think the poor souls queuing in cars down the Oxford Road were ready for that jelly, to be honest, but needs must.

I decided it didn’t matter too much if the plants never grew, as long as he got the idea. He did, if ‘getting the idea’ means ‘flinging soil on the end of a spade across the living room’

and ‘upturning the entire contents of the watering can onto the windowsill once he realised it had water in it’

and also ‘hassling the seeds until they were too shellshocked to do anything at all’

and finally ‘drinking the muddy soil-and-water directly off the plant tray’.

I have decided this makes him a nature lover.

By the way, indoor gardening on ripped-out Arts and Culture pages from The Week: the most middle-class thing I’ve ever done? Probably. (I couldn’t find any newspaper.)

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This is water.

This morning everyone in the world needs to watch this.

THIS IS WATER – By David Foster Wallace from The Glossary on Vimeo.

I cried. Not just because my hormones are in so many weird places that gone-off milk makes me cry, along with EVERYTHING ELSE. But there’s a lovely and true resonance about it. And David Foster Wallace was a brilliant, brilliant novelist with many years of serious depression behind him, who committed suicide in 2008. The depression didn’t make him any less brilliant and his brilliance didn’t make him any less depressed. I haven’t the first clue what capital-D-Depression feels like, and wouldn’t presume to guess, but I do know that it’s not something you can shrug on and off like a backpack, and neither is it self-indulgent nor self-inflicted.

The fact that Wallace, with all he was carrying, could talk about consciously living a compassionate life in the middle of adult grind, makes me feel the loss of him more, and appreciate the goodness of things more as well.

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(Also, the girl behind Hyperbole and a Half – which is one of my favourite internet reads – just published a wonderful, sad-and-funny cartoon on depression, here. After you’ve read it, look for the Kenny Loggins Christmas post, and bring a hanky for when you cry with laughter. You’re welcome.)

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Things to do at thirty weeks: an alternative list for the anti-nester

I’ve been a bit list-tastic lately, no? Forgive me: I’m tired enough that long sentences hurt my frontal lobe.

This morning I got my Congratulations, Thirty-Weeker email from Babycentre.co.uk. It included a list of feel-good things to do in the last sprint towards Labour Day. Very nice, I thought. But it was all a bit too much about nesting, and – I know this will come as a shock – I’m not really the nesting type. So I wrote my own, and will be taking this advice extremely seriously.

Congratulations, Thirty-Weeker! Why not try some of the following?

1. Realise you have only ten weeks of food excuses left. Retrieve the Ben & Jerry’s from the freezer, and finish it.

2. Spend twenty minutes trying to paint your toenails. It’s difficult, and may require some greasing, but it’s probably your last chance. In the same spirit, book a haircut and buy some heavy-duty concealer and waterproof mascara.

3. Take innumerable self-portraits in the mirror. Soon you won’t fit in the frame. Remember to edit out the chocolate around your mouth (done).

4. Think of the next two months as the final marathon slog for your skin. Take baths. Exfoliate. Use much, much cream. Wangle as many massages as you can.

5. Take some time to remember what life was like with a newborn. Reread old blog posts if you have them. Resolve to schedule two naps a day from now on. Start stockpiling chocolate gateau.

6. Tell everyone who asks (PLEASE STOP ASKING) that actually, they’re right: you are having twins after all. Thought you’d make it a surprise.

7. Abandon heels, finally. The elephankles are coming. Treat ‘em right.

8. Organise some sort of pulley system for lifting and carrying your toddler. I have this sort of thing in mind (I’m the elephant, Hen the war-painted arrow-shooter).

9. Revisit the baby name shortlist. Tell Daddy, again, that you’re not naming the baby after him. Reluctantly strike off Sweyn Forkbeard. Don’t talk about specific names with anyone but the two of you: at this stage, people aren’t shy about telling you they hate it.

10. Sort baby supplies list into Must Have Now, Can Probably Buy Later and I’ll Never Use That Anyway. Buy, at the very least, a ten-pack of tiny vests. Keep them where you can see them. They’ll remind you why you’re doing this, and that it’s all going to be fine.

SAM_8148

No, it really is.

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We’d like to thank the banks for this one

A Guide to the United Kingdom, Part 227:

1. A few days a year, the banks all decide they want a day off. Some of them make sense, like New Year’s Day (even banks feel the burn after that late night). Some of them congregate around Easter, because chocolate eggs are best eaten in pyjamas. And then they get totally carried away and squeeze two into May. It’s unclear why May is the special month. Perhaps it’s the Bank of England’s birthday. We all take a day off with them, because, you know. We’re polite.

2. By ancient right, it rains on Bank Holiday weekend. Regardless of which one. The British have an unlimited capacity to be taken aback by this, and every year pack up tents and beach gear like we’re expecting to pitch up on the set of Home and Away in short shorts. Instead, we crouch in a field for three days, listening to rain on canvas and complaining over bacon sandwiches.

3. You shouldn’t underestimate the experience of listening to rain on canvas over a bacon sandwich; it’s quite soothing.

4. Just very occasionally – actually, with about the same frequency as the appearance of Halley’s Comet – a bank holiday is hot enough to feel like a proper holiday. We descend on the supermarket and catfight over barbecue equipment. Goodness knows what the banks do: go off somewhere and get sunburn on their chequebooks, probably.

Today was a Halley’s Comet holiday. I belly-bounced a woman in Tesco for a packet of finger rolls, unearthed our crusty sunscreen and we headed to our friend’s lake for the afternoon. We barbecued. The sun shone. Henry got to spend the day with his all-time favourite lady and gave himself an ice cream chest wig to impress her. It worked, of course. Gents, Mr Whippy chest wigs are like catnip for the ladies. Catnip.

updated to say: dear HEAVENS, I need a hair cut.

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The perils of raising a firecracker

Confession: sometimes I think fondly about the days when he couldn't move much.

Confession: sometimes I think fondly about the days when he couldn’t move much.

On Friday, we were at the park with Henry’s cousin. Hen doesn’t believe in swings or slides, particularly. He’d much rather climb. I sat my heavy self on a swing after following him around for twenty minutes, swung approximately two and a half times, then looked over to see him nearly all the way up a rope ladder. Of course. I took a photo as proof for Timothy (I end up doing that a lot). And then a minute later – when I’d almost reached him, but not quite – he fell through one of the holes. Of course.

Recently I texted a friend, a fellow mother in the down-and-dirty of toddlerhood.

Urgh. Please tell me you have days when your child pushes everyone over and won’t share and looks like the worst-behaved kid on the planet? Mothering FAIL.

She texted back with the reassurance she’s good at, and I felt better.

But still.

This is a down-and-dirty season of parenting. Henry is loud, excitable, curious, determined and so energetic I wish he came with an on/off switch. I could’ve written that sentence six months ago, or a year, and it still would’ve been true. As it happens, the toddler stage is also loud, excitable, curious, determined and ludicrously energetic. It’s like trying to raise Henry squared. On Monday we went to see a nurse about the gash in his lip. On Tuesday he fell off a crocodile rocker at playgroup and blackened his ear against a bookcase. On Thursday I spent a morning on the phone to NHS Direct after he used double-strength steroid cream as mouthwash. And if I had a pound sterling for every sympathetic or annoyed look I catch in public places, these days, I’d have enough to buy that beautiful pushchair I would otherwise need to sell a kidney to afford.

I didn’t expect that the hardest thing would be the drawing of lines without making them into labels. How much of this tantrum is Henry needing to be Henry, how much of it is boy, and how much of it is being twenty months and able to express yourself a little but not quite enough? If I let this go, am I showing wise understanding of the phase he’s in, or am I excusing bad habits we’ll all regret later? Can someone just draw me a pie chart, or something? Can someone bring me an actual pie?

[not a joke]

I have been up at night, lately, worrying about where the line is, and whether today I put it in the same place it was yesterday. I count the number of times I say ‘Henry, NO. Don’t do that. HENRY. COME HERE PLEASE, NOW’. I go over how often I let him have what he asked for, and whether it was the right thing to do. I wonder what being a pushover feels like, and if it feels anything like this.

Here is what these night-time ramblings have brought me (thanks, vanilla Coke!):

I live motherhood inside each minute. It is messy, and short-sighted. Some minutes involve not-quite-catching a fall from a rope ladder, or wrestling a screaming boy into a supermarket trolley while the security guard rolls his eyes for the third time this week. Then some others involve dancing on a windowsill, his hair glowing in afternoon sun, or an almost-conversation over lunch, or him coming over to show me that he and Daddy both have underpants on their heads, and he can’t quite believe how funny it is. I think the point is not to make a tally, but to make the best I can of a minute and to find the bits that shine.

Soon enough – not to stretch a metaphor too far, like I ever do that – I’ll climb out of the minutes to find years behind us. I don’t think much of the should-I-shouldn’t-I will be visible from that distance, as large as it looms at the moment.

I think the best days I’ll remember will be the ones I let him climb.

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